Let's be models

This is a bad post for me to be writing, considering the fact that the last folder in my inventory right now is "2012 Clothes" (subdivided, of course) and I'm still running around in system jeans with prim leg attachments, which I'm sure is not that hip these days, but whatever.

Here we go.

I'll explain this picture in a minute. (And oh hey, I standardized my shape to Medium mesh size and I feel like I look a little thuggish with no neck now. Wah.)

Anyway, so I was logging into SL the other day and I happened to see this "event" in the Events calendar.

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"WE PAY $800/hour HIRING MODELS-no experience need-NEW RESIDENTS WELCOME- event to hire

Time: 07/13/14 12:00 pm
Duration: 2 hours
Location: DreSS To ImpreSS-mODELS~CatWALK-fAShIONS- LiVE mUSIC on Loon
Host: [Name omitted for privacy]
Category: Nightlife/Entertainment
Cover: FREE

~WE PAY $800/hour HIRING MODELS-no experience need-NEW RESIDENTS WELCOME- event to hire- look for blue box at store for instructions -gowns,casual clothes,low prim furniture,body paint,tattoes,bathing suit,costumes,carnaval mask,new avatars look,pretty flexy hair,pretty avatars, models house, fashion clothes,men clothes, men hair, women clothes,women shoes, stilletos, wedges, pijamas,party clothes,land orbit,land security system"

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I'm not living an RL that affords me a steady flow of lindens anymore, so I saw this ad and thought, "Oh REALLLLLY??! 'New residents welcome,' huh? 'No experience need,' even? YEEHAW! Count me in!"

I thought it was a thing, you know? Like, you show up to this place, meet at the aforementioned mysterious blue box, get handed some "pretty flexy hair," "body paint" and "tattoes" and prance around somewhere for two hours at 800L an hour.

Wrong. Oh, so wrong.

I flew into DreSS To ImpreSS-mODELS~CatWALK-fAShIONS and it was a deserted wasteland — a vast, bright blue deserted wasteland. But LO AND BEHOLD! There was a giant display with a blue box over in one corner – right next to a badly textured catwalk – so I wandered over to it. I thought maybe it was "camp modeling," like you log into a spot and stand there posing for two hours until you get paid.

(WHOA, NELLY! My, what big hair and pink lips you have!)

I clicked the box for "model instructions" and got this notecard:

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"FOLLOW THIS INSTRUCTIONS TO APPLY FOR MODEL JOB

TIRED OF APPLYING AND NOT BE SELECTED? HERE IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY.

- WE WILL PAY YOU $800 PER HOUR AS A MODEL-

ALL MODELS THAT APPLY CORRECT FOLLOWING THIS INSTRUCTIONS WILL BE HIRE, GUARANTEE.

- read careful to apply correctly or you will not be selected.

- DO NOT SEND NOTES ASKING QUESTIONS SEND IM - If you send IM asking questions that are clear in this note you will get disqualify for this position. So please read all instructions first before ask.

NOTE: WORK WILL BE FOR FASHION SHOWS AND ALSO EVENTS. WE NEED MANY MODELS

- pictures need to be taken by yourself- professional pictures or pictures taken by friends will be rejected.

-get some clothes you think will look good on you for the picture to apply.

STORE CLOTHES ONLY- if you can't buy clothes you can't apply-if you don't like my clothes enough to buy why should i hire you?- you have to like my clothes and buy them because you liked not just to apply for model. If you don t like my clothes to wear them. Don't get it. I'm not interesting to increase my sells with your purchase. This is not scam i need to increase my models team.

- Take your picture at any place of your preference. make your picture 512x512. full body picture showing the clothes.

- Don't send pictures inside notes. send picture texture only.

- Tittle your picture: ' MODEL SEARCH' and your full SL name-not screen names- (please full rights, modify,copy and transfer). -drop the picture to my profile [NAME OMITTED]

- (please ONLY ONE picture PER DRESS will be accepted. but, you can take and send as many pictures as you want with different clothes from the store. If you send more than one pic with same dress you get disqualify).

- you need to showed the full attire you're wearing (also try to set the light for your picture correct so the picture is not to dark. force midday is good way. you are welcome to edit the picture before you send it).

Note: If you send a picture without correct tittle is going to be rejected sorry.

Please be sure you have mark in your profile 'show on search'- otherwise we are not going to contact you.

-- If you do not get contact between one month. please reapply again with same picture."

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Whenever I read "This is not scam," I think, "This is scam."

But whatever. I was curious to see what would happen if I sent one of my legendarily bad pics of myself in a 2008 dress, particularly since "ALL MODELS THAT APPLY CORRECT FOLLOWING THIS INSTRUCTIONS WILL BE HIRE, GUARANTEE."

I figured if I heard back and actually had to DO some type of modeling thing, it would make for an amusing blog post — and if I DIDN'T hear back, it'd at least make for a "Hey, new people, beware this scam" post. So either way, all five of us who still read this blog still win, right?

I wandered around the store looking at the massive collection of oh-so-retro fashions. Many of them reminded me of my old favorite *cough* Lemania Indigo Designs, circa 2008. (Is she still around?)

I considered this White Butterfly Gown, in honor of my now-gone-from-SL (I think) friend Random Calliope:

That's not hair on my back. It's a lace-back tank top.

WOOOOO! That is SOME GOWN, kids!

And the price?

395L

SERIOUSLY??!! I was expecting 99L, at most. With $395L I could buy a boatload of stuff in The Dressing Room Fusion, including mesh jeans.

With a crushed heart, I kept browsing. NOTHING in that store was less than 395L, although many things were 495L and even 595L.

I cammed up and saw more fashion upstairs, including a "discount fashions" vendor. BINGO! Surely I could find a masterpiece for my career-launching portfolio shot there.

Still on the butterfly theme, I honed in on the "Erotic Goliath Butherfly Body Paint":

Let's see if Photobucket will let those painted nipples fly.

The hilarious truth is I would have been ORGASMIC over this getup as a noob. I LOVED stuff like this back then.

I got out my 25L, clicked "Pay" on the vendor and stopped in my tracks at the 295L price tag.

Um, I guess I'll pass.

(Hey, remember bellybutton bling? I had some that flashed!)

Plan C was the store's lucky chair. Scroll back up to the top and check out that flirty little red dress. It retails for 395L. But hey, if the store owner is "not interesting to increase my sells with your purchase" through this gig, she won't mind if I apply with a photo of me wearing her lucky chair gown, right?

My AV stood by that chair for two hours. IRL, I read a few chapters in "A Dance With Dragons (Book Five, Game of Thrones)" and goofed around on an app I'm obsessed with called Covet Fashion.

Meanwhile in the virtual world, the chair kept cycling through every letter in the alphabet except mine every five minutes. There were no wildcards. I got bored as hell. The funny thing is, ladies kept TPing in to check on that chair. They were all rocking "pretty flexy hair" and retro clothes. I wanted to ask them if they really WANTED that dress or if they too were dreaming of a modeling gig at Fifth Avenue Fashions / DreSS To ImpreSS / whatever-the-hell-the-place-is-called. But I was too shy.

Finally I gave up and left. Sadly, I doubt I'll keep working on this experiment. It hurts my eyes and makes me feel kind of sad. I'm inclined to chalk it up as a scam to get money out of new people, though. The whole "If you do not get contact between one month. please reapply again with same picture" smells bad to me. It makes me wonder about other ways people try to scam the innocent out of lindens here. When I was new, occasionally people would come up and beg me for 1L, but that was about it.

"Kimberly Modern Flexy Hair" with "extra shine natural flex" and "resize menu."

Those were the days, huh? When I first joined the SL community, I had hair much like this style — although not as sophisticated — and it was MY FAVORITE. The funny thing is, I'm still too sentimental to delete that hair from my inventory:

AWWWWWW, YEAH!

That is all.

P.S. So, if I don't have those new-fangled Slink feet, am I screwed? Does ANYBODY make shoes for normal feet anymore? :(