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Sunday, November 22, 2009

gasping for steel blue air

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Lately whenever my mind starts skittering around in a panic, I stop and concentrate on the image of a vast sheet of ice: cold and clear and sharp and blank. I block out any black murk with a mental blast of frosty wind and then I go back to being a corporate drone.

That's why I'm really glad my friend Aisuru made this awesome ice castle. It's where I want my brain to live right now. Get it at Beloved Custom Designs.

(I take pictures in the Funky Funky Funky Windlight setting and pretend I'm a real photographer.)

I finally got my laptop back. A few wires had simply come undone, thank God, so not only were the repairs covered under the warranty, but the Mac "Geniuses" also cleaned it out, put a new keyboard/mouse pad on it, and put it in a new fiberglass shell (!!!!). All for free! The keys are so clickety now. I feel like I have a whole new computer. How nice to have a screen that doesn't go black every five minutes!!

MY GOD, THAT PARAGRAPH WAS EXCITING!!!

A lot happened during the week I was laptop-less. For the first time in my history, Stiletto Moody gave her update group a free pair of shoes. If I were motivated, I'd show them to you. Unfortunately I'm not. I think you can join her group for free today only and get them at her store though.

And call me a sheep, but I also like the new Bella skin from Tuli:

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Baaaaaaaa! (that was a sheep sound)

Yeah, I'm still wearing that sweater from A.S.S. Maybe I'll become The Avatar in That Sweater. I don't feel like changing clothes. But if I did, I would change into the new Oksana outfit by House of RFyre. It's really rare that I'll get a new release notice, yell "OOOOOOOH!!!!" and run like hell to buy something, but when I saw this dress I did just that. And then when I saw that Arabella Steadham had blogged it, I thought, "Thank God," because she takes such gorgeous pictures and you know mine would have brought the comical suck and ruined it.

Because I am the epitome of icy laziness right now, here's a SCREEN SHOT of Arabella's blog post about this stunning ensemble:

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Laugh out loud and sorry. But yeah, to see the dress in all its glory, run over to Arabella's Amblings.

Out of the 932 fashion blogs in Second Life, I only deem about nine of them worthy of my time and attention. Take a bow, Arabella!

I almost named this post "Blog posts I wish I'd written" because there were a few today that made me pump my fist in the air and yell, "YEAH!"

Well, OK, a mental fist, I mean. Wearing an icy mitten.

Chalice (Cha Cha) Charling wrote one called "I Love You . . . I Love You Not (so much)" which made me smile. I know this was not her intention, but I think this post countering pictures of things she loves with pictures of things she does not love is a gracious and fun way to mock things that are stupid and, as such, I totally intend to copybot that blog idea soon and do it over here.

Here's a screen shot of Chalice's blog:

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HA HA HA! I so did not know these people had me in their blog rolls!! I swear! *BLUSH!* I'm flattered! :D

So if you haven't figured it out by the slightly off-kilter and defeated tone of this blog, you are watching a mental breakdown in progress so BUCKLE UP kids and enjoy the ride! Here's a quick stream-of-RL-consciousness snapshot just to put it all in perspective:

I spent last week at a PR summit held by the company for which I am now a vice-presidential public relations representative; it was one of those totally cheesy events where a totally cheesy guy in a totally cheesy suit gets on a totally cheesy stage with totally cheesy hip-and-happening "get fired up" music blasting out of giant speakers behind him and he gets everyone cheering and bursting with company pride and then he switches gears and starts reaming everyone for not "driving home PR efforts enough to boost fourth-quarter company earnings" and I'm sitting in the audience thinking, "I direct PR efforts in a very rural part of the South with some of the biggest unemployment and poverty numbers in history and by the way it's the holidays and right now most people are more worried about putting food on their tables and buying their kids a couple of Christmas presents than buying one of your $300 smart phones so ARE YOU FRIGGIN' KIDDING ME?" and . . .

ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

. . . . later my new boss comes up to me and tells me they are "anxiously waiting for me to start acting like a leader" and I look at her in confusion because I have had this job for a whopping 10 days at this point and I am still anxiously waiting for some office furniture, business cards and my parking pass and I translate part of "acting like a leader" to "firing the guy who is only billing 12 hours a day instead of the typical 15" and . . .

ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

. . . I refuse to fire anyone until I see with my own eyes that they are slacking off and this morning I even Googled "how to act like a leader" because I am confused about what I've done -- besides not firing a guy -- in 10 days that's already not been acting like a leader and when I asked my boss to give me some examples of her perception of "acting like a leader" she said, "for example, you could eat some yeast and lighten up," which seems somewhat contradictory to me and goes on my list of "lamest attempts at constructive criticism ever" and . . .

ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

. . . this weekend I fell off a wagon of sorts and have been steadily feeding myself just enough sedatives to keep my mind in the land of ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

. . . and lying in bed watching documentaries about people who live and work in Antarctica and trying not to think about how I will probably shake during the whole hourlong drive to work tomorrow morning and how I feel like I sold my soul for six figures and how I wanted my life to be so much more than a small piggy woman in ugly stretch pants and a cheesy dude in a shiny suit barking at me to get their company more press so they can sucker more people into buying $300 cell phones and in the process make even more money and never mind that you are already a Fortune 40 company and isn't that enough for you right now and hey doesn't this company understand that people are pretty broke and unemployed at the moment and what are your corporate social responsibility policies anyway, Big Wireless Provider? because I did not realize you were so cutthroat, I mean, your commercials are so hilarious, who woulda thunk it, are you really about communication or are you more about the giant bonus you'll get next month if my blood, sweat and tears result in high sales figures for you and . . .

ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

. . . my mother getting all weepy at the sight of me getting all weepy and begging me "not to do that thing where you lose it and quit your job again because your father and I really need this money" and there are so many things wrong with that request right there that my mind cannot even process it, but hey mom, I'm only thirtysomething and I'm all alone in this mess with nobody to help me but myself and I'm too young to carry the burden of saving my still-young 60-something-year-old alcoholic parents who can't seem to pull it together, especially since I myself am trying so hard to pull it together right now but I can't seem to stop feeling like a warped and battered puzzle piece that simply. doesn't. fit. into. any. picture. anymore. period.

ice ice ice ice ice ice ice ice sheet of ice ice ice ice

OK. That wasn't quick. Sorry.

Update: I heard that mean people are snipping about my emo on Plurk. Plurk is the handiwork of the Devil and nothing is truly "private" there, kiddies. SURE, I'LL ADMIT IT: All the whining aside, I'm just a child who hates working, particularly if the job holds no meaning for me.

I made a sign that says, "IT'S JUST A FRIGGIN' JOB" and slapped it on my mirror.

And I'll try to counter my hatred of Corporate America by taking my fat paycheck and using it to buy holiday gifts for struggling families this year.

Speaking of real life, I don't know this guy, but I saw his blog post on the IHeartSL feed this morning. It's "My Brand of Heroin" by Phantom Republic and he's making a run for the RL border. He's tired of Pleasantville. He misses gritty reality.

Good luck with that, man.

Meanwhile I'll hunker down in pixelated snow drifts and continue to fling shards of ice at the fire-breathing demons in my head.

17 comments:

Paulina said...

Oh Emerald...I don't know really what to say other than that I would like to give you a big hug and tell your boss what to do with her yeast.

Alicia Chenaux said...

Oh Em... I wish I had magic words for you to make you feel better. I was in a job for far too long where I was practically throwing up every morning before going into work because I just didn't want to do it anymore. It's such a hard thing.

The thing is? You have to do what's right for you in the end. *hugs*

Emerald Wynn said...

I'm still hoping it's just "new job jitters," but nobody seems very supportive there and the whole "sell sell sell!" thing, well, I wasn't expecting it. That's what Marketing is for.

I don't need hand-holding, but I could use some kind of a mentor or someone to at least lay out some expectations to get me started. I'm thinking imma remove "self-starter" from my resume, actually. Apparently I'm not one.

But yeah, laugh laugh laugh, Paulina -- I SO DO NOT want to hear the word "yeast" at work in any context. I have a permanent "not so fresh" feeling now. Someday I really will die laughing at that conversation, even if I'm lying on a cot in a homeless shelter.

Tymmerie Thorne said...

Em - you are fully capable of shining in you job. There are just so many stresses around you. I can only send hugs and good thoughts.

I am perplexed about the "eat yeast and lighten up" statement. Is that a Southern saying? Were you perplexed, too?

Shattered said...

I think she thought she was making a clever pun, "take some yeast and lighten up," 'cause ya know, yeast makes things rise and crap.

Only 10 days. Really, they need to be reasonable here. You've been on the job for a mere 2 weeks, you're still settling in, learning how things work around the company, et cetera et cetera. If it had been a month and you were sitting around like a dumb lump, then yeah, a push might be in order, but they're a bit too quick to jump the gun. I'll take solice in the fact that my cell phone company's commercials really aren't very funny, and there's a good chance I'm not giving my money to those pushy dillholes.

Also, your parents? I feel ya there. My father is an alcoholic, 55 years old, and voluntarily quit his job this past June. More or less he sits around and drinks all day, but I'm giving money to my mom so that the rent is paid, and he had the balls to ask me to "loan" him $200. Between digging myself out of debt and helping my mom, plus the fact that he's been unemployed for 5 months so I might as well charge some massive interest on that loan, it's not happening.

They have some mighty balls to come right out and say "Don't quit your job because we need your money," though. It's called Grow the F*** Up and Get Your S*** Together, but judging by past comments about your parents, they've never heard of it.

Amie Adamski said...

Aww big hugs- and I agree you have to do what feels right for yourself but new jobs are always awkward.

SophHarlow said...

Emerald...you touch my heart. I wish I could give you everything you crave, want and DESERVE. I just know that there will come a day when you can exhale, look around and be damn proud of the amazing person you are.

Until then...please know that I hold you in my thoughts...remember you in my prayers and I believe you can do just about anything you want to.

Much love to you, beautiful Emerald.

Emerald Wynn said...

Hugs and thank you, friends.

When you get down to it, I think I just hate working. I wanna go back to my carefree newspaper freelance job. But it pays jack. So it's either suck it up, work a not-so-ideal (idealistically speaking) job and make decent money, or do something lovely and be a little bit poor.

As soon as I rope a working man into marrying me, I'll aim for the latter.

And Shattered, our stories are pretty much the same.

Banana Vella said...

I hear ya Emerald and agree that any yeast talk at work is a big no-no. (but it gave me a giggle at your WTF moment)

Hang in there, Read One Minute Manager (its a great tool for when you have to tell people off, and it may help a conversation with the Yeast lady). Happy to help you with advice if you need it. :)

I think I have an aversion to work too. I just wish LL would call me one day to invite me to shop, explore and blog all day. Sigh.

<3

Quaintly Tuqiri said...

*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*

I have nothing to say. I too like my job to have meaning. But meaning doesn't feed us if it doesn't come with money. I understand how you feel.

*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*

Aisuru Rieko said...

omg, the yeast thing >_< wtf is she crazy? I don't know what to tell you about the work situation. obvs. I'm not so great at fitting into a proper professional box. I don't know how they'd receive it but step 1 of "acting like a leader" might be informing them that PR isn't sales and vice versa. Your family... I can't imagine how hard that has been and continues to be. One of the few areas where I'm lucky is having support behind me when it comes to immediate family (all but one). You know that I wish all the best things in life come your way, and think you're so wonderful that it all will, someday.

Now, I would like to know who has be talking shit about you on Plurk so that I might cut them. >:}

Chalice Carling said...

Oh Em how lovely you included my post in your blog. I'm honored because Emerald's Eyes is just my favorite blog ever. You have this incredible ability in your writing to normalize my life experiences when you share your own.

I wonder if you are going through some grieving of sorts at losing your freedom. This happened to me when I was on extended stress leave and I recall after 6 months of being at home, returning to the routine, to the vacuum devoid of artistic expression (unlike SL) and wearing a hat I had no desire to wear at the time, I floundered. It took me ages to gain control and realize that I did have choices and in the end, I chose to stick with it because there were more pro's than con's in my staying in the job.

Set yourself a time limit and remember, your parents have made their life choices and you have to make your own too. It's like they're treating you like a unstable child yet expect you to save the entire family from financial hardship...no wonder you're feeling the pressure.

Don't ever underestimate the aggrieved long-term employee who missed out on the job or perhaps doesn't agree with the decision. Put on your amour and pretend it's a game. You're witty, smart and sure have the words to knock her on her ass. If you're not feeling particularly vice-presidential, just pretend you are...they don't need to know your knees are knocking. You just need to know the enemy (the company) a bit better and 2 weeks is nowhere near long enough to get a handle on it.

Big hugs. Forgive me my huge comment.

Heidi Halberstadt said...

I <3 Em, and that's all I'm going to say.

Celebrity said...

I really miss you in SL! But I also totally understand new job pressures. I hope things get normal for you soon!! <3 x 1000

Celeb

Krissy Muggleston said...

Hugs Em...

Peter Stindberg said...

/me has worked in marketing all my time and got thrown into sales early this year (against my will) and I FEEL. YOUR. PAIN.

The other day my boss asked me to do something that was most likely illegal, and it took me the whole friggin morning to think about a way to break it to him that I won't do it. Because I was afraid of his reaction, and the implications.

I wonder what is more to be ashamed of: that it took me so long out of fear, or that he was asking it in the first place.

lol - the captcha for this comment is "cheat"

Anonymous said...

i am sorry of your troubles and i honestly hope that things get better for you. the world you work in is the world i fear. i try to stay away from corporate jobs for my sanity. i would rather make less and do something meaningful. i wouldn't be able to live a day in your shoes. stay strong and hopefully something in life will bring you meaning. something wonderfully good. don't give up hope.