Tuesday, June 28, 2011

And then there was silence

I want to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive during these Most Dismal and Wretched Two Weeks of My Entire Life. After 14 days in a coma, my grandmother finally passed away at 3:36 a.m. today. (I know the exact time because apparently I've been watching way too much TV and I thought a medical examiner was going to ask me or something.)

I'm going to use the word "peacefully" because the nurses told us to expect all kinds of possibly horrific things at the end, and none of that stuff happened. There were a few scary things that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but all in all, I'm glad I was there. My mother and I were sitting on each side of her, holding her hands. She looked really peaceful once it was all over, although I'll admit that I didn't look at her much afterward. It was the middle of the night and I was sort of freaked out and I half expected her to open her eyes and sit up and yell, "BOO!"

The inner child does not like dead people, no matter who they are.

The funeral is this weekend. I don't know how I'm going to make it until then. I just want to GET THE HELL OUT OF IOWA. I've had enough. I wrote her obituary today. Then I cried for about an hour. Then I slept for a couple of hours. Then I cried for another hour. Then I stood in the shower and cried some more. Just call me officially traumatized at this point. And wiped out. I miss her. I don't even think the word "miss" is adequate, actually. Somebody needs to invent a new word.

My grandmother was a beautiful woman with a caring spirit. She taught me everything I know about grace and generosity and what it means to be a genuinely lovely person. She had an amazing sense of humor, and when she talked to people, she made them smile — but more importantly, she made each person feel like he or she was the most important person in the world. She was my biggest cheerleader, and even in my lowest moments, she always acted like I was nothing short of amazing. She was a strong woman who taught me how to get back on my feet when life knocked me down, and she never let me forget what a gift every second of this life is, even when it sucks. As heartbreaking as this time has been, I feel honored that I got to share her last moments with her.

I hope she knew somehow that she was not alone at the end. I hope I get to see her again someday.

June 28, 2011


Whispers said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure she did know you were there with her and you carry her with you now wherever you go.

Paypabak Writer said...

I think you learned well from your grandmother! Our prayers have been with you and will continue as you grieve.

Tashi Core said...

*hugs* again. take care.

Amie Adamski said...

Sorry for you loss, I'll keep you and your family in my thoughts


Deoridhe said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Photos Nikolaidis said...


Cats said...

I'm am sorry for your loss Eme. But read again what you wrote in the last paragraph. Your gran is within you. You said so yourself. So miss her, grief her, but also knows she is you and therefore always with you. <3

M said...

*hugs you tight*

I'm sorry to hear of your loss Em. Know that you are loved.

Chalice Carling said...

You're probably empty and numb right now but she role modeled resilience for a reason. She showed you how to bounce back after the hard falls and she won't leave you now when you need it most. She's looking down at you with love and pride make no mistake. Don't suppress those tears, just let them wash away the pain. Big hugs as you move through the grief <3

Sophia Harlow said...


One of my favorite poems...

love you.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

Carrie Lexington said...

Emerald, I'm so sorry for your loss. I went through the same thing when my grandmother passed away 5 years ago. she died after a long illness, we were holding her hands and praying for her when she finally took her last breath, opened her eyes, looked up and then she was gone. it was like she saw an angel. it was hard to watch her suffer, and when it finally ended, I actually felt relieved. she lived her life, as did your grandmother.

big hugs.

Galilla Sinatra said...

What a beautiful tribute you've written to her. You said she had a great spirit. That spirit lives on. Energy doesn't die, it changes form. Your grandmother will be with you.

Heidi Halberstadt said...

Again I am at a loss for words - I am so sorry, Em; please consider yourself hugged hard.


Lee said...

So sorry for your loss.

Aradia Jameson said...

She sounds so wonderful :) truly sounds like an inspiration, i hope you'll be ok soon, you deserve. The spirits of our loved ones will always be there.

Lots of love <3

Anonymous said...

I wanted to say exactly what Cat said, Your Grandmother lives on in YOU.
Take care of yourself.

<3 Mysti Thorne

Asthenia said...

Emerald, I am so sorry for your loss.
I wish you and your family lots of strength