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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

girl power

This blog has been dead for a while. I'm in a hospice home with my grandmother, who suffered a brain aneurysm last week. She's in a coma now. She's not coming out of it. We have unplugged all the machines, but her body is still plugging away on autopilot. There is no brain activity. And I guess I can only write in these stilted sentences.

My mother and I have been sitting with my grandmother day and night here. None of my other relatives can do it. They come in, stay for a while, say "I can't do this" and leave soon after. I don't hold it against them at all. But my mother just can't leave my grandmother lying alone in this room in this house full of dying people. And I can't bear to think of my mother sitting here alone all night, every night, so I'm here too. Grandmother, mother, daughter together at the end of this journey — it's kind of poetic. It's almost like we have transformed this depressing disinfected room into a sacred space. So there's that. Girl power. yay.

I never thought I'd pray for someone to die before, but I just want my grandmother to be at peace. We were so close. This depleted shell of a person lying here is not my grandmother. I'd like to think my grandmother's spirit is already somewhere nice. I hope her spirit is not tied to her body right now, waiting with the rest of us for this hell to come to an end. She was a beautiful, shining, caring person. She deserves a limo ride to that great white light or wherever the hell we go when we die. The hospice chaplain comes to talk to me and I just stare at him blankly. I'm not in the mood for happy stories about heaven at the moment. If there is a God, I'd like to punch him in the face right now.

I'm amused by the men in this family who "just can't do this." My brother admitted that he comes in this room and feels starkly terrified. My grandmother has had several strokes since she's been unconscious, so her face is completely slack and unrecognizable. Her mouth is open. She doesn't breathe — she gurgles. And hell yeah, it's scary as sh*t. Her eyes opened by reflex yesterday and I screamed like someone in a horror movie. And when the lights are off, forget about it. But we are women and we are caretakers and we are strong and blah blah blah. We bring life into this world and maybe that amazing gift also gives us the fortitude to hold a hand as a life fades away. I feel blessed and slightly cursed at the same time.

In SL, all my animals are dying. I get emails from my cats, wailing that they're 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 percent hungry and it suddenly seems ridiculous to me. There's free wireless Internet here in the hospice home, but most of the time I don't feel like staring at a computer screen for very long.

So that's my story. Oh and I got laid off last week. So there's that too.

I'm having one hell of a month. It's kicking my ass all over the place. I hope yours is better. If you are the praying type, my grandmother's name is Gretchen. Please ask God to come take her home.

Love and hugs,
Em

25 comments:

Mariko Nightfire said...

Your grandmother is in my prayers as are you and your mother. Bless you Em.

Anonymous said...

I hope you know there are people who read your blog, are thinking about you, virtually sitting beside you, holding your hand, understand, have sat in their own hospital rooms and had their own battles with God. I'm one of them and can only say I understand.

M said...

*sends you lots of extra-tight hugs*

I'm so sorry Em. Please know that you, your Grandma and your family are in my thoughts right now. I love you. Hang in there.

Kissowa said...

I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and your family.

Alicia Chenaux said...

Oh sweetheart. I wish there were magic words for you, but there are not. I will put her in my prayers that her passage from this world be a quick and painless one, and that you and your mother continue to be strong. The life of a caretaker is not an easy one, I know. Love you!

Whispers said...

Em, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all of this. I will most definitely keep you and your grandmother and the rest of your family in my thoughts and prayers. *big hugs*

Anonymous said...

though it's been over seven years, I remember going through what you are when I lost my granny. My thoughts are with you and your family and I join you in wishing peace for your grandmother. *hugs*

Acacia Merlin said...

You are right about sacred. My father went into a coma and I was with him at the moment of his death. It was the most sacred moment of my life. I'm so very very grateful I was there and that he didn't die alone and that somehow we shared his passing. You will never regret being there and will be sustained by knowing you did the right thing. My thoughts are with all of you brave women at this very sacred time.

Anonymous said...

I experienced the same situation with the loss of my mother in 2009.
My prayers go out for your grandmother, you and your family. *hug*

Tashi Core said...

*hugs*

supergangster said...

I wish I can say something so amazing it would take your hurt and pain away, but I have no idea what that could be. So instead, I hope a hug is ok and life is so unfair sometimes.

***HUGS***

Deoridhe said...

You and your family are in my thoughts during this hard time. I remember what it was like to be with my grandfather while we hoped for him to move on; it's very hard and I wish you all well.

ARIADNE KORDA said...

All I can send is a hug, but a heartfelt one

Evangeline Miles said...

I'm so terribly sorry to find this post and I wish I could reach across the miles and give you a gigantic warm hug which lasted only *just* short of becoming creepy.

Sending instead, prayers and every hope that your Grandmother and your whole family find peace, soon.

You honor her by being there.

And PS: If I could, I'd punch God in the face, for you.

Sophia Harlow said...

Em,

I love you. I do. There is nothing more I can add here that I don't in our private conversations.

Not sure if you received my email or not but I tped over to your land to try to feed your cats. I was unable to place anything but since I have your rights I moved them to where there was food on the land.
I don't know what else to do for you, I have never felt so helpless.

You are all in my prayers.

love,
Romy

Elora Henig said...

Em we are so sorry to hear about all of this. Even though we've been absent from SL you are in our thoughts. Love, hugs and prayers are sent to you and your family.
Love, Merrick and Elora

queenkellee said...

Prayers for your grandma, you and your family, and gigantic hugs for you. I'm so so so sorry. You're strength is amazing and you are amazing. Much, much love <3

Heidi Halberstadt said...

I don't know what to say. I'm sorry and I love you, Em.

Heidi

Anonymous said...

I care. I care about what you are going through. Stay strong.
You are not alone.

Mysti Thorne

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about you grandmother Emerald, I hope her passing will be quick and painless, stay strong *hugs*

Jewel

Chalice Carling said...

What a beautiful soul you are Em. I held my dad as he slipped away and I swear that's the day I became a better person. Thinking of you and yours darling.

Eva Bonner said...

Em, I am so sorry,seems like everything comes at you all at once. I pray that this will be over as soon as possible and I wish there was something I could say or do to make it better. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.

Aradia Jameson said...

Em, you are one of the most fun and loving persons i've come across in my time here - and i've only talked to you briefly! It's a big fucking shame how wonderful people are always hit by disasters like this. ALL my thoughts are with you, and i hope this ends happily. It's brave of you to be there till the end. Good luck with everything, every single one of your readers will support you prayer-wise and mentally.

Kisses and hugs, and of cause so many prayers. You don't deserve this.

Samhill said...

Em, there's just on words...please know that it means so much to your grandmother for you and your mom to be with her at this time.

Elle Couerblanc said...

<3 Hugs