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Thursday, December 9, 2010

It hurts (sepia)

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This sim is called The Wastelands. I found it in Search because I wanted to go to a place that looked as bleak as my heart feels right now.

Yesterday I had three cats in RL. Today I have one.

My cat Chloe had been my constant companion for 12 years. Unlike other cats who can be a little demanding, she wanted nothing except to be near me. (Well, that and tuna-flavored cat treats. The crunchy ones.) At night, she slept in the crook of my knees or curled up against my back. She was quiet and shy and affectionate and sweet.

She got sick really fast, and when it was apparent to me that she was suffering, I took her in to my vet's yesterday. They ran tests. Her kidneys were shot and she was crashing from renal failure. I was expecting that diagnosis. I've seen it happen before. I wasn't expecting the additional information that she had multiple other complications as a result of Feline HIV. I didn't know she had it.

We put Chloe down. She kept her eyes on me the whole time. Many of you have been there. It's horrible. She brought me 12 years of joy. She deserved to leave this earth on the wings of a thousand angels — not on a cold metal table with a needle jammed in her leg.

The vet suggested I bring in my other cats for an HIV test. I went back and got my eight-month-old cat Oscar. He tested positive, with an active strain. I could have bought him more time. I could have chosen to stick it out, to monitor it with frequent vet visits, to keep him away from other cats. I could have done that, but my vet told me the best thing to do would be to put him down too. Oscar didn't go down without a fight. And he looked at me with this confused, "Why are you doing this to me?" look as the life left his little body.

I would give every dime in my bank account to erase that memory.

My vet asked me to bring in my third cat. Hell no. My remaining cat Hopscotch is 18 and in the final stages of renal failure. They've already told me her days are numbered, and that number is low. But right now she's still batting her toy mouse around, eating heartily and climbing on her cat post. When it's her time to go, I'll know. And it's not her time to go. At least not today.

I know I have the ability to write a big moving tribute that would make us all cry, but words have left me and I can't describe the grief and the loneliness and the empty, empty hole in my life right now.

Yes, this too shall pass, but at the moment my heart is a wasteland. My life is drained of color. I am wandering, lost, in a sepia-toned world, calling out to names that will never answer me again.

It hurts.

Visit Inworld: The Wastelands
Luna Jubilee's 52 Weeks of Color Challenge

18 comments:

ARIADNE KORDA said...

Huge, huge hug. I lost one of mine a month ago, suddenly, to renal failure. Her companion for 13 years - who is now 17 - is fading rapidly and crying for her constantly. It's breaking my heart too.

I can't find the words I want to.

It's not yet 7 am and the old guy is pacing and crying and has been doing so all night. I just want to hug him better as I'd love to comfort you.

I feel for you. You have no idea how much.

Dove Swanson said...

So sorry for your loss. I adore my cats and I can't imagine my life without their very distinct personalities in it. My heart aches even thinking about it. I'm sorry you had to experience this. <3

LisaMun Aronowicz said...

I'm so sorry about your loss, no words will suffice I know, so I'm just gonna give you a big bear huggggggg. Hope the clouds will lift soon for you, somehow...huggggssss

The Third Pea said...

Really, really sorry, Emerald. I lost my cat Rosie after a prolonged illness no one could figure out until tests finally revealed brain cancer behind her eye. Rosie was 13, my constant companion, very gentle and she never wanted anything more than a full dish of food, and her spot on my bed. I was completely surprised by the depth of my grief, and cried for days. I laid her ashes in the garden with a packet of wildflower seeds and look forward to seeing her again in the Spring.

Bless you.

Selkie said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Chalice Carling said...

Em I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that was for you to made those decisions and then see it through. But you did it out of deep love for your babies because you didn't want them suffering a minute longer.

I discovered when making the decision for my darling dog in September that only a pure, unselfish love can lead one to say 'enough'. I still kiss the box my doggies ashes are in every night before I go to bed just as I did when I used to tuck her in to her bed in her blanket.

Bless you baby. Only the most loving of mother's could do what you did. xxxx

moniq Salamander said...

As I read your post, my eyes refuse to cry, but my heart does. My kitty was asleep in the chair next to mine. I woke him up just to hug and kiss him so he knows I love him so much. I wish I could do the same to my dog, but I lost him too fast and I miss him more than I ever thought
I would. I wish there were words to say to make you feel better. There are none. So I'm giving you a big hug and a hope that your third kitty is fine for as long as possible. <3

Tashi Core said...

I feel you. I am sorry.

Delusional Grantham said...

*BIG hugs* I'm so deeply sorry for your losses. Several years back I had to have my cat put to sleep because of Feline AIDS.

Heidi Halberstadt said...

Words fail me, Em. I'm so sorry.

Carrie Lexington said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Emerald

Whispers said...

Awww Emerald you made me cry! I'm sooo sooo soo sorry. I had to put my 11yo dog down last week so I know your pain. Big hugs!!!!!!

Luna Jubilee said...

lots and lots of hugs for you!

I lost my childhood dog to renel failure. The guy was 14 and well past his day. Our family still misses him immensely eventho we have loved and lost ones since him.

We love our pets like our own children. I'm sorry you are going thru this <3

Deoridhe said...

*offers a big, huge hug and much love* I'm so sorry, Emerald.

Quaintly Tuqiri said...

I'm sorry to hear about Chloe and Oscar, Em. Words seem to inadequate at a time like this. *hugs*

Eva Bonner said...

My heart goes out to you for your loss. I am not a cat person, but my doggie I had had for 17 years died last year , it was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. I still dream of her waiting for me when I walk through the door, acting like I am the best thing thats happened all day . < hugs >

skat said...

:( I lost my 16-year-old Siamese mix soulmate a year and a half ago. You don't know me, but your post had me in tears for your pain. There are no words. You'll be in my thoughts:(

hfeatherz said...

So sorry to hear about your loss, Emerald. A bit over a year ago, I lost one cat to kidney failure. I have another cat who is about 15-16 and has developed hyperthyroidism which is proving difficult to fight. I know her time is limited too.

*hugs* You did what you had to do, make difficult decisions.

I'm not clear on whether or not your vet gave the cats a tranquilizer injection before giving them the final shot. I hope he/she did do that. Jasper didn't really need it. He was already on his way out and could be barely raise his head.

I'd find a new vet if this one doesn't give a tranquilizer shot first. It's just basic kindness to do that.

*hugs again*