Saturday, April 16, 2011

You shut your filthy, squeaky mouths!

I'm in kind of a bad mood today. I just got back from a kick-ass week in Jamaica, so I guess you could call it the post-vacation blues. It's freezing here. I don't wanna go back to work. Wah.

So let's take it out on some total strangers!

Here's one of my few blog rules: If you irritate me or act like a complete douche in public, you get a first-class ticket to Blog Fodder City, baby. I could really use some now too. I'm in a rut.

Ready? Here we go.

Sometimes when I need to feel better, I go to creator Elizabeth Tinsley's store Frippery. I love her work. There's a lot of power packed in its delicate construction and it always lends fuel to the imagination. What's more, the main store is located on my favorite place in SL, the stunningly scenic and lovingly designed Wanderstill at Ode. Check it out, and please ignore the fact that my shirt didn't rez:

The Language of Light set (400L) by Frippery, also includes an awesome ring, not shown. Skin: Fae Fling (375L), in the RFL vendor at Sanu. Anything that Sanura Sakai creates also goes on my list of Things That Make Me Giddy. That hair is the new Denise style by Truth in Granny.

When you get to Frippery, you're greeted with this welcome message:

~*~Welcome to Wanderstill~*~: You have found your way to a tiny cottage in the middle of a wild meadow. This is the home of Frippery, a jewelry shop for imaginative minds. You are warmly welcome. Come in, make yourself comfortable, peruse the baubles, take a gift, and leave a message.

So I'm feeling all magical and imaginative and warmly welcomed when suddenly a latex Creamsicle and friend come along and start bugging the bejeezus out of me with sexy talk. I'm not a prude, but I also hate listening to a-holes attempting to be edgy by talking about pixel sex in open chat.

Yep, I'm gonna show pictures and name names and post the chat. Hey, if you say it in public, it's up for grabs, hipsters. Sorry. :)

See how beautiful it is there? *shudders at the thought of pixel spooge all over the wildflowers*

And we'll talk about that kilt in a second.

The conversation starts on a high note and quickly descends to the depths of you-just-made-me-throw-up-in-my-mouth.

[12:14] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I certainly would reject her if she asked, but I'm not going to ask her myself now. It feels too soon. [Wha? I think she meant to say "wouldn't."]
[12:14] Angus Vesta: if she's totally aware of how you feel, you wont have to wait long, or ask yourself
[12:15] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I can hope.
[12:15] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: She knows that I love her.
[12:17] Angus Vesta: I bet you can dream, and I bet they're rather damp

That's when I rolled my eyes and TP'ed to the other Frippery location. Then I TP'ed back when I realized it had changed to a satellite store. Confusing. Forget that. Read this instead, "And then I left for a second and came back."

[12:19] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: If you can reach the dirty parts.
[12:21] Angus Vesta: Angus Vesta can reach
[12:21] Angus Vesta: I can reach mine... and yours
[12:21] Angus Vesta: if need be

You know what, Jenny? Nobody's gonna be able to reach anything in that squeaky citrus body condom you're wearing. Although I'm going to give her credit for a) awesome color coordination and b) high latex standards. Yes, I'll admit it: I can tell the different between quality pixel latex and the cheap stuff.

*slaps that shiny rump*

[12:21] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Even when it's extremely tight on the inside?
[12:22] Angus Vesta: more of a challange, but one I'm more than up for
[12:25] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: That only seems to happen when my girlfriend is around
[12:26] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Well, yes.

You guys are making me so hot that I need to take a break and talk about fashion for a second. Men's fashion, to be exact:


Just give it up, Angus. Why wear a leather kilt or a man-skirt or whatever it's called when your ass is going to be sticking out of it the whole time? Not hot. I sympathize — an AO can be kind of a bitch when wearing a sculpted skirt. Get a skirt shape.

I tried desperately to swing around to the front to see if he was wearing a pixel penis or proudly displaying his Ken Doll bulge, but my camera wasn't cooperating.

[12:26] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: If only my girlfriend weren't completely turned off by WAM.
[12:29] Angus Vesta: Yeah, u ned to fix that
[12:29] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Yes.
(I'm assuming Angus goes into private chat to get really down and dirty here.)
[12:30] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Yes.
[12:30] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I can be content with no WAM as long as there's bondage.
[12:31] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Not that I know of.
[12:32] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I don't know. All I said is that I didn't want to force her to do anything that she didn't want to do.

I confess, I had to look up WAM in It stands for Wet and Messy sex. "This can be either food, such as eggs, chocolate sauce, pancake batter, truffle oil, etc. Or a non-food delight like mud, sweet crude oil, plaster and the like."

Obviously I'm not getting any of that these days or maybe I'd know what it was. Regardless, you'd better get with the program, Jenny's Girlfriend. You're not completely satisfying Jenny in bed. Thank God you're at least into bondage. I wonder which Wet they're talking about. Probably orange juice.

OK, get ready for it . . .

[12:34] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I can do without it. I've been more turned on by BDSM than WAM lately anyway.
[12:35] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Probably.
[12:35] Emerald Wynn: Would you two please take it to private IM or an adult sim please? For God's sake. You're killing my blissful Ode buzz. Ugh.
[12:38] Angus Vesta: get yourself a outlet, before you explode
[12:38] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Ugh.

Oh, I've got *an* outlet, Angus. WELCOME! Make yourself at home! Grab yourself a grammar book while you're here. How 'bout third-grade level?

Then they ignored me. I get no respect these days, even when I throw in a "for God's sake."

[12:39] Angus Vesta: You're more than a little tense, it's fair to say
[12:40] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: I'm too depressed to be tense.
[12:40] Angus Vesta: ffs, little drama dolly....
[12:40] Angus Vesta: snap out of it, lol, don't make me hump your leg again
[12:40] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: You're not my girlfriend. It's not the same.
[12:41] Angus Vesta: after a period of time, a humping is a humping...
[12:41] Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton: Maybe for you.
[12:42] Angus Vesta: hey, I'm fussy too...
[12:42] Teleport completed from Ode (220,222,78)

I couldn't take it anymore.

"After a period of time, a humping is a humping." Don't forget that, kids. Wise sex advice from a man named after a type of cow.

Watch out, Jenny's GF. He's humping her leg! They're gettin' all squeaky and sh*t behind your back!

Eyes by Re.Birth (Lilacs, Electric)
Love is a Phoenix wing(s) by Hoot — no longer available, but everything else at that store is cool too


LisaMun Aronowicz said...

Welcome back Emerald and you're funny as ever (even if you're in a bad mood)! Think I'll pay a visit to Frippery! Wish me all the best! *grin*

Deoridhe said...

Hey! Your pictures almost don't suck! ;)

I find watching other people's conversation interesting... but the emphasis on sex gets to me, too. 8(

Mimi Namiboo said...

OMG you crack me up! I just spit my coffee on the keyboard because you made me laugh so hard :DD

Mayala Loon said...

I was in a bad and low mood this morning ... but you so saved my day ... making me smile (or rather grin) ...
TY ;-)

Aradia Jameson said...

LOL, all i can say. You are a GENIUS!

Aisuru Rieko said...

lmao, I <3 you!

Maelenn (aka Suavana) said...

Ok... you made my day (and almost spit coffee on my screen)

Sirena Penucca said...

Emerald, you kick ass :D

Anonymous said...

Taken from Jenny's Profile:

Jenny Utherwurldly-Patton wanders two connected sims. Her girlfriend restricted her from teleporting, so she is trapped until her girlfriend returns and takes her elsewhere.

Wow I guess Ode is one of those 2 sims... and she's even wearing the same orange latex in her profile picture. o.0

I usually mute people like that. They never seem to care if they're bothering others or not. :-P

Emerald Wynn said...

You guys are too damn kind. I feel sort of bad that, out of desperation, I had to stoop to the level of mocking strangers for blog materials, but I just couldn't pass this one up.

And nooooooooooooooo, Guenevere! My beloved Ode had better not be one of her two sims!!! I think she was being bad and breaking the rules.

Traveling Dreams said...

Wow...I just choked on my tea and then laughed til I almost pee'd....Love the kilt shot...and miserable for you!