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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Fetal position

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I'm probably not the only one who knows one of those "we accidentally have seven daughters" couples.

Perhaps you know the type: Their first child is a beautiful baby girl, but they want more kids, particularly a boy to balance out the siblings and carry on the family name. So they keep trying for a boy. But they keep having girls.

Until finally the end result is, as an example, my RL friends the Snudels (and hell yeah I made up that name to protect their identity), whom I usually find standing helpless and haggard-looking in their kitchen while their six very young girls beat each other with naked Barbies and run screaming all over the house.

Mrs. Snudel is now wearing a chastity belt, BTW.

Well, that's what's happening with me and my mother-plucking chickens. I need males. Black males, to be precise. I want some hip, street-smart, bad-ass black chickens in my brood, just to give some edge to my egg production.

Recently I went out and bought five perfect black eggs. I know this sounds cold, but I figured I'd get at least one black male and one black female out of that bunch and then unfortunately I'd have to send the rest up to that great chicken coop in the sky.

They all hatched. They were all girls. That pic up there is me, curled up in their pen, sobbing.

I boxed up all but two of them.

I have more to say about the whole chicken thing, but first let me break up this text with a "hottie digression":

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I spotted this guy at Neon Frog. And if you don't know Neon Frog, they make some great giant sculpty animals that will either impress or royally tick off your neighbors. So far I have their dinosaur, a huge tree frog and a big damn Russian Don Horse in my menagerie, thanks to the Midnight Mania board there. Please join me in checking that board obsessively every day for new animals and slapping the hell out of it when you see one.

Anyway, so that sexy merman -- he too was slapping the MM board there. So not only is he exotically hot, he also shares my affection for big freaky-looking fake animals. I wanted to grab him, drag him to the ocean and roll around in a fit of passionate pixelated lovemaking among pixelated waves and leaping pixelated dolphins. I wanted to drape him in seaweed and eat him like sushi.

Although that facelight kind of killed it for me a little.

Dude, you don't need a facelight to swim in my seas.

Shoot, I totally lost my train of thought now. . . . .

. . . . oh yeah, the chickens.

I'm getting a little tired of the chickens. The novelty has sort of worn off. Today I sent a few chickens to their maker, and it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. They were good chickens. I gave them a good life and they served me well in return. There was no blood, loud squawks of pain, or violence. Just a simple click on "Edit," then a "Delete" click, and finally a fast "Empty Trash" click and it was done. Quick and painless.

I do have some rare eggs now, as well as some really cool colored ones -- like pink-and-green for the preppie in you -- and I at least want to try to sell them before I kill the whole chicken project altogether. Hell, maybe I'll at least get $2,000L back from the something like $10,000L that I've probably spent on this entire chicken project. *grumpy face*

So I have this really fantastic vision for a chicken stand:

I wanna name it "Bok to the Future," and I want it to be SO MUCH MORE than a chicken stand.

I want to set up a couple of low-prim bars, name all my eggs after cocktails and set them out on the bars like hip drinks. In fact, I'll put the egg displays in cool martini glasses -- gifts with purchase!

I also wanna put down a dance floor in front of my egg bars and hang a disco ball and some flashing lights over it, also maybe hire some showgirls in chicken feathers to pole dance around the perimeter. (OK, "hire" is kind of a stretch and actually translates to "beg my friends to shake some tail feathers.")

Unfortunately every time I approach a chicken farm or market owner with lindens in hand and this oh-so-cool idea, they usually respond with, "Get the hell off my property, you insane, lunatic weirdo."

HEY! That's "insane, lunatic VISIONARY" to you, Farmer Ted!

EXCUUUUUSE ME for trying to elevate the whole chicken-buying process to a higher, more experiential level. Sheeeesh -- there are something like 900 chicken stalls out there right now. I've GOTTA do something to set myself apart, for crying out loud.

Since I think I'm now banned from about 34 farmers' markets, I thought about setting my parcel to Public Access and "Show in Search" and renaming it "Emerald's Non-Stop Poultry Party: Get Your Groove 'Bok' Here!"

I could stream The Chicken Dance music. And Disco Duck, even though it would be a little bit of a stretch. And "On the Wings of Love" as the slow dance. And of course "Free Bird," even though they wouldn't be. And maybe I'll put out a tip jar that says, "Like my blog? Buy me a chicken dinner!"

Hey, maybe I don't spin tunes like a DJ, but sometimes I do spin words that make you boogie down!

Then I thought about what my landlady's face would look like if I did all that and I got kind of scared.

Oh well.

Holler if you know any cool people who would embrace my Chicken Disco concept. I really wanna do this.

I'll close this ridiculous post with this picture:

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I've been running around like this for a couple of days. My spectacular friend Serenity Semple alerted me to this current group gift from *M*. I don't speak a word of Japanese (which is the language of the group charter/notices), but this cat head delighted me. The eyes blink. There's a male version too. If you want one, you can find the group listed in my profile for a while. It's free to join.

Also pictured: AM Tulip Top in Champagne (175L) from Miel; Patra Silver Wire Bracelets (350L) by Zaara; and Garage Jeans in Turquoise (245L) and Misty in Medium skin by League. I've discovered the one thing I don't like about the League skins -- they make my hands look kind of manly. *sad face*

P.S. Can anyone draw either a chicken in a white John Travolta "Saturday Night Fever" disco suit or a chicken wearing an astronaut helmet?

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

<~~~~ laughs hysterially at "Bok to the future"

Heidi Halberstadt said...

<~~~~ is Heidi

Emerald Wynn said...

Somebody's gonna steal that name now, Heidi! I should have never printed it here!

LISTEN to this! Last night I went to Sion Labs to buy some v12 egg proteggtors. I unpacked them and took one out so I could put an egg in my inventory. But when I took it out, it already HAD AN EGG IN IT! And it was <0.0,0.0,0.0><-0.1, -0.1, -0.1> -- PITCH BLACK! I'm waiting for it to hatch.

I hope it's a boy! but that was WEIRRRRRD!

Owly Indigo said...

You know, I think I know a couple who would be totally into your egg bar idea ... I will IM info. Furthermore, you killed me with LOL again. Murderess!

Emerald Wynn said...

OMG it's another GIRL! >:-\

Emerald Wynn said...

And YAY, Owly! I should have known you would have a suggestion, as you are The Bird Goddess!

Lysistrata Szapira said...

Awww..more girls.

Sounds like Sion has the same problem Henry VIII had. *smirks*

Meara Deschanel said...

Em, I will get you a black male chicken, if you don't already have one. Promise.

And please, please, please - give me chicken Meara if you decide to get rid of her. Provided she still lives. <3

Quaintly Tuqiri said...

You're so punny, Em! That's one skill I've never mastered. *giggles*

Anonymous said...

yo i thought you were talking about chickens that existed in real life but then i noticed you were actually crazy. not trying to burn you just stating a fact. peace.

Emerald Wynn said...

Um, yeah, no worries Anon, because I can TOTALLY SEE how you would mistake this post for a real-live chicken post, considering, you know, all the cartoon pictures and the reference to an online game in the blog header.

But hey, that's cool! Jump on in, Anonymous. We'll hook you up with some virtual chickens.

Peace.